Dean (Zhuiyang) Chen

"I can't get the gummy thing out of the bag, because whenever I roll it up, um... I try to get it up it's like circular, it's like a wheel so it rolls down to the bottom of the bag so I have to try to get it back up again, but when I'm right about to get it up, my finger slips and it rolls down to the bottom of the bag... it's like I'm Sisyphus... don't attach my name to this." -- Igor Luzhansky

A few minutes later... "Hey, I should put this up on my own website"-- Igor Luzhansky

"I kind of want to become a secret aggent, I'm good at stalking people physically. Not physically in the sense like, touching and such... I'm not that good at feeling people up. I'm good at following them and being quiet and carefully watching, being quiet and dark, I can be dark if I wore dark cloths. I can't tell if you are writing this because you don't believe me or cause it's true. Actually, can you not published that?... it's an important skill." -- Igor Luzhansky

"Bro-rapeeee!" -- Igor Luzhansky

"My whole goal is to play with fire and make it not smell like burning... non no that's not really my goal. Orginally my goal was to burn things and not smoke, so that there's no evidence that I was burning things or like or there was buring in general. So when my parents might come home they won't smell anything. But now I don't have parents coming home anymore so I can do anything I want... except for when people fucking tell on me." -- Igor Luzhansky

"Damn this coat is so cool, it keeps me warm and it has extra pokets for my things. I can put an entire thing of things in to my thing." -- Igor Luzhansky

Barack Obama is full of shit, the New York Times in full of shit, Jon Stewart is full of shit, and the entire Democratic Party is full of shit.

Now let me explain why...(note: this post doesn't contain any sarcasm, if you are already offended by either the title or the previous statement, it is better for the both of us if you just closed this window and act like the past 30 seconds of your life didn't exist)

Let me start with the New York Times, which is perhaps the biggest piece of shit among all the other aforementioned pieces of shits; which is saying a lot. And no, neither the crossword puzzle(I fucking hate crossword puzzles) nor the fact New York Time columnist Paul Krugman won a Nobel prize changes this fact.

So what do I have against the New York Times? Plenty, like the fact that people treat it like an legitimate and unbiased news source when it is obviously not. For those who thinks otherwise, I'll give you another chance to close this window since it is going to be like finding out that Santa Clause isn't real all over again.

The fact that the Wikipedia article on the New York Times simply states that the Times has only been "accused" of having a liberal bias shows that it isn't a plainly established fact as it should be. The public editor of the Times, Daniel Okrent, freely admitted that the Times is a liberal newspaper. If you believe that either Okrent is full of bullshit(which I don't blame you for since most articles from the Times is full of bullshit) or that the Times suddenly changed in the past four years, try the following experiment.

Go to the biography page of Obama and Biden in the times and then go to the biography page of McCain and Palin. Notice a pattern? Obama's picture looks like it's from a fucking photo shoot and Biden's picture makes him looks professional and experiences while McCain's picture portrays him as pale, sickly and pissed off and Palin's picture is taken from the most unflattering angle possible. And if you need proof try searching for Obama on the Times website and compare it with the results to articles pertaining to McCain. One would have to be high not to notice the glaring bias towards these two candidates. Most Time columnists bend over to suck Obama's dick, defending him from the "Republican Attack Machine", citing extremist views such as Obama being a terrorist or Muslim and making claims about about how Obama will save the world from Bush who seems to be sole member of the Republican party and John McCain's twin.

Guess what, the Obama's campaign has been just as negative, citing John McCain's age as a reason not to vote for him, implying that he'll die in office. McCain's mother is still going strong and McCain is in perfect health making that a moot point. And the criticisms on Sarah Palin has been absolutely appalling by Obama supporters with the Daily Show perpetuating these attacks. They've attacked her Alaskan culture, accent, family, wardrobe, supporters, intelligence and the most random shit ranging from whales to bears. The Democratic Party and it's supporters has been just as ridiculous in their attacks, so I don't know why they are crying and bitching about counter attacks by the Republicans.

Obama lied about his ties to ACORN, supported the FISA bill that he initially firmly opposed, opposed the successful surge of troops in Iraq that greatly stabilized the region allowing for a more immediate withdrawal and like every other politician but to a much greater extent dubiously claiming that he'll lower taxes for almost everyone while increasing social welfare.

I don't understand how he's different from any other politician and I don't understand how he's fit to be the President of the United States with almost no executive experience. The hope and non-partisan claim is complete crap. Obama has the most liberal voting record in the Senate and has not done anything significant for America. There will be no hope for half of Americans if the most liberal senator is elected president at a time when there is already a Democratic majority in the House and a potentially filibuster proof majority in the Senate.

I couldn't help but notice that AP scores are out as everyone is bragging about them on facebook. For those of you who aren't with the program(such as myself) you can call (888) 308-0013 to get your grades(or just wait three more weeks for it to arrive it in the mail like a cool person would). Have your AP number OR social security number, birthday(if you don't know that you don't deserve to get your score), and a credit card number with the expiration date ready. It's all automated, designed for those of you who are antisocial, so no worries. It will charge $8 to the credit card you provided(less than a dollar per test, great deal for me :D). The process was painless for me, the computer read through my score one by one and waits for you to press nine after each score so you don't have to scramble to copy your scores down.

For all my stalkers out there, you may be wondering what I received on my test. Since I'd still value my privacy yet would like to be remotely helpful, I'll share my grade distribution:

2 fives
2 fours
3 threes
2 twos(hint: E&M hint: AB)
NO ones(:D)

With the exceptions of the fact I didn't get ones it seems my AP score distribution fits the Collegeboard AP score distribution for individual tests perfectly, which is pretty crazy. The scores were also a clusterfuck, I got a five and a two that I definitely did not deserve and deserved better than a four and a three. Anyways, this puts my two year AP grand total to:

8 fives
3 fours
4 threes
2 twos


which translates to nine credits at Duke, although I can't actually transfer more than two. But it's all good since my Yale transcript covers and goes beyond the credits that matter(and also makes up for the fact that I got a 2 in Compsci AB) Although it also meant that I could have gotten 1's on all my exams and still be in the same place I am now... I still fucking hate APs.

By the way JBC stands for Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers(Registered Wendy's trademark) for the healthy readers out there.

Good evening everybody.

As I stood in front of our graduating class this morning, something hit me... I've never seen half of you before, and don't know the names of the remaining three quarters. That leaves the only 1/8th (for those of you who failed algebra) of our class, most of whom, I know and love. My first reaction was that my worst fears have been realized... that Scientology has infiltrated our graduating class in attempt to turn all of us, even the females, in to Tom Cruise. Thankfully, Mr. Finnochi assured me this was not the case and that you all belong here.

Understandably, I was in a pickle this afternoon as I was trying to write something that would appeal to the ENTIRE class, half of which I didn't know existed till a few hours ago. But soon it hit me, everybody has had problems at Cross these past four years, even me, the epitome of perfection, so perfect that I'm often asked that if I'm human or not. Most of these problems range from getting yelled at by Mrs. Sherban Cline for being in the hallway during class time, to getting suspended by Mrs. Sherban Cline after she found out that you don't have a pass. Note: I only had experience with the former and the SECOND part of the latter. On a more serious note, not that my previous statement wasn't serious, we've had a lot to deal with these past few years at Cross, especially this year, with college application and/or job hunting while making sure all your graduation requirements are met.You've no doubt also had to deal with problems at home involving angry parents, relatives, friends, and dead pets. I know your parents and teachers are proud of you for making it this far, and you should be proud of yourself, so you can give yourself a big hug at this moment if you wish....

Since you'll probably run in to another problem or two during the rest of the 59.8 years of your life(assuming that you're exactly 18 and the Centers for Disease Control did not lie to me) I think it will be appropriate to share how I have dealt with problems. But, since we were on the topic of angry dead pets I have an interesting story that I'd like to share first.

Many years ago, when my paternal instincts were still strong, I decided to adopt a grass hopper that I found on a trip one day. I fixed it in a comfy home, consisting of clear plastic floppy disk holder(remember those?), about the volume of two fists. At first it seemed to be very excited to be in its new home, frantically jumping about but hitting itself on the top and sides. Soon it wouldn't jump anymore, and I thought to myself, why would it need to remember how to jump now that I've provided it a safe and hospitable shelter? It can stay in my manmade box forever.  I would delicately pluck the finest blades of grass from my yard and slide it in to MY grasshopper's new home, and check on it every few hours, flicking the box to encourage it to move and do what grasshoppers do. But one fateful morning, not even a week after I undertook this great responsibility, when I woke up early to play with my grasshopper by flicking the side of the box, it did not move; I gave up on pets ever since.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed that story for what it was, because it wasn't an allusion or anything like that, nope...

Well, sorry for the digression, let's get back to the main objective of this speech. I don't claim to have the magic bullet to shoot problems with... but I have it, and it is simple, ask for help... and make it someone else's problem, after all, sharing is caring. But remember that every person in this world is human like you, including Mrs. Coggins and me. We get angry when you call us names, disappointed when you break promises and cry when a bunny dies, although Mr. Picket seems to be more resilient to this. He has been disrespected on many occasions, has dealt with many broken promises and has had many rabbits die in his presence, yet rarely responds in an overly emotional manner.

Anyways, I'd like to give credit to, a few, ok fine, a lot of adults, all of whom are the reason that I'm standing here today. So sit tight. There is no significant order in this list, just the most important to the least important.

I'd first like to thank Principle O'Connor, and Canneli because without their help and support I'd probably would have been enriching the lives of the students in the Hillhouse Class of 2008for the past four years, since I was originally assigned to attend Hillhouse. Mrs. Coggins also deserves a hand for running the school like a jail this year, although I do miss the fights...

I could not have made it through this year without my two favorite guidance counselors, Mr. Finnochi for helping me get in to college, which was considered by many to be impossible, and Mr. Calarco for beings there when I wanted to change classes to be with my friends, just kidding.  

I'd also like to thank all my teachers for sticking with me these four years, because you all know that I can be one bad student. More specifically, I'd like to thank Mrs. Kilburn for letting me do her job. Mrs. Powell for encouraging me to take every Advance Placement test the Collegeboard offers and along with Mrs. Townsend allow me to show up all the Yalie's who think they are so smart(Sorry Shira, nothing personal).  Mr. O'Connor for putting up with me for three years as a student and a member of the tennis team, although I do believe that he may have developed ulcers as a result. I'd also like to thank Mr. Kafoglis for being a coach, teacher, client and friend to me for more than four years, and similarly Mr. Pickett, or Matt for putting up with my shenanigans and being a pal even though he found me to be a disappointment. Mr. O'Shea and Mr. Sawchuck are further evidence that teachers can be quirky and fun when you get to know them. Mrs. I'd like to thank Mrs. Saddick Brown for showing me what tough love means, Ms. Rod and Ms. Bright for showing me what unconditional love means, by the way, I prefer the latter. I'd like to thank Mrs. Sasso for teaching me the invaluable lesson that procrastination is a B, although I don't think I'm quite ready to learn yet, evident in the fact that I finished writing this speech less than an hour ago. I'd also like to thank Mrs. G and Mrs. Fuorri for just being nice.

Coach Verderan and Miller have both my thanks and respect for leading the track and soccer team, keeping us working hard and motivated. Mr. Babbs and Mr. Jarvis also deserve thanks for supporting the soccer team, well Mr. Jarvis had to because he was the athletics director, but the fact that he was willing to drive me to East Haven from school in the rain for a game proves his dedication.

Second to last of all, I like to thank my parents, who let me live in their house, eat their food, spend their money and poop in their toilets.

Last of all, I'd like to thank you guys, for starting the lunch room fights to entertain me, pulling the fire alarms to get me out of class and keeping the school administration from implementing too many rules. So I want you to look to your left and right

If I'm missing anyone, please holler now and I'll make up something nice about you.

No one? Ok... Moving on...

I know you guys would like me to hear me talk through the night, but all good things have to come to an end. Therefore, I will leave you with the obligatory quote that you're going to forget tomorrow morning after the partying... I won't be offended. It was said by a very wise and respected man who shall not be named and goes as follows... "You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut". If it has brought George Bush this far, I'm sure it'll work wonders for you.

Congratulations on making the Wilbur Cross class of 2008, and I hope you will live happily and reproductively for the next 59.8 years.